One Beer #12: Michelob Ultra
Mickey, my friend
It’s absent of any true, genuine taste. There’s a malty finish, maybe, if you’re really there, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here for the 95 calories, for after like, rec-league co-ed softball. Or after a run? As the advertisement would have you believe.
What the ad nails: the vibes. These go down extremely easy, are totally agreeable, a beloved each type of person I know. And that’s what it’s all about, fr fr.
It is, isn’t it? The idea is to have a few, stay awhile. Ease into it and hang out — the promise of the beer itself, a hang occurring for at least the amount of time it takes to have one. I’m reminded of Toni Morrison’s thoughts on the third beer:
She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because what difference does it make?
Sheesh!
It’s been called to my attention (by reader and beer guy, Sophie) that we have a new Not Beer on the market. That sentence, referring to it like that, was a legitimate coincidence just now — it’s actually a water, packaged like beer, that’s called Not Beer.
Not Beer joins Liquid Death in this trend of “Cool Water,” or “Water to Buy at a Concert,” though it distinguishes itself as a sparkling water as opposed to Liquid Death’s standard still “Mountain water.”1 Snark aside, I don’t really have a problem with these as alternate options to drinking. Famously, we at One Beer believe any thing can be a beer, but it does raise some questions.
Question No. 1 and 2: What? Why?
Well, plenty of reasons, right? I would be willing to bet that a significant portion of beers had in recorded history would be due to someone at a gathering feeling more comfortable simply holding onto something. Not Beer, Liquid Death fulfill this need, supply this demand, and contribute to moderation and sobriety — which is, surely, the primary function. Not Beer and Liquid Death, at a distance, can look like alcohol, can help people avoid drinking, and can still make people look… cool?
Admittedly, I do not see a Liquid Death at a concert and think, “That’s not cool.” I’m too busy thinking about if I look cool at a concert to do that. But I do wonder about this bigger notion altogether. In a sense, Not Beer serves as the kind of adult fidget spinner — something to do with your hands when you’re meant to be paying attention to something else. The adult bent to it, too, begs the question of what alternatives come next. We’re what… 14 months to candy cigarettes that are branded to look like Marlboro Reds?
I’ve watched Vanderpump Rules in its entirety since the beginning of the new year. This is a show that begins, basically, as a study of young people who drink too much, or at least are too comfortable drinking to excess on camera. Today, as they all age and hurt each other basically irreparably, they are all attempting a kind of rebrand, in which they are all sober to varying degrees. There is still yelling and drama, though it is decidedly subdued, and instead of a vodka soda ready to be thrown in a close friend’s face, the men and women of the show are often drinking Heineken Zero.
Again, as if I’m on trial or something, I am in support of NA Beer. I’m more interested in our apparent fixation on the need for a tangible thing in hand. Is Tom Sandoval really going to come off as more relaxed and not insane to the 20 year olds in his pool if he has a green can in his hand? It would appear he thinks so.
Watch this space, I guess, to see how this develops. Maybe I get around a Not Beer and get offended at the notion of declaring something Not a Beer, distinctly against the ethos we try to bring around here. Or maybe a third one hits the same way. It’s too early. We just can’t know…
Shamelessly plugging things I’ve written since I last posted here that I’m proud of. Chances are, if you’re reading this post now, you’ve read these, but I’m linking anyway.
On Larry McMurtry and HGTV’s Fixer Upper
a list from my phone
House measurements
72 x 17.5 - foyer
54.5 x 20 - dresser
Upon further research, of course LD offers a sparkling variety.